An Obsidian Potency PSA: The S.U.V.

TITLE: An Obsidian Potency PSA: The S.U.V.
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PRIMARY CATEGORY: PSAs
CATEGORY: PSAs

DATE: 12/04/2003 05:45:21 PM
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Here's a well-kept secret, judging from the state of America's roads today: SUVs suck ass. Their proliferation is one of the most annoying trends of the early 21st century.

There are only two reasons anyone needs an SUV:

<b>1). You need its towing/weight capacity for your job.</b> If you're not a farmer or in construction, you probably have no excuse.

<b>2). You enjoy off-roading, or your area has very poor roads.</b> When I say "very poor roads", I mean third-world-country-quality roads.

If these reasons don't apply to you, you're a fucking poser.

Why? For several reasons. Number one, <i>SUVs guzzle gas</i>. They are heavy, and require heavy engines that are less fuel-efficient. I'm not a hardcore environmentalist, but why would anyone want to spend $80 a week on gas? Also, there's the "Ariana Huffington" argument. The U.S. consumes disproportionately more oil than any other country, largely because automobiles are so popular. The vast majority of the world's oil supply lies in the Middle East, which is the main reason the U.S. is always mucking around over there. Why would anyone want to increase the United States' dependence on the Middle East?

Two, <i>SUVs aren't safe</i>. Even though SUVs are so big that they give some drivers a sense of invulnerability, sport-utility vehicles are actually more dangerous than cars. Your chances of getting killed in an SUV are higher than those of getting killed in a car because of the SUV's tendency to roll over. Worse, you are much more likely to kill others in an accident if you are driving an SUV. The idea that bigger equals safer is a lie when it comes to SUVs. Take a look at these crash test results for <a href="http://www.nhtsa.dot.gov/NCAP/Cars/2003SUVs.html">SUVs</a> and <a href="http://www.nhtsa.dot.gov/NCAP/Cars/2003MidS.html">cars.</a> Notice the difference?

Finally, I've saved the best reason they suck (by selfish Western standards) for last: <i>SUVs aren't even fun to drive</i>. Yes, this is subjective, and yes, there may be some SUVs that drive better than cars. But as a general rule, SUVs are stiff, slow, and handle ponderously. After all, the real ones are built on truck suspensions (that are not comfortable on roads); the fake ones are just elevated cars that look like trucks but cannot be used like them.

Now that I've told you why they suck, let's shoot down the common excuses drivers use to justify driving these atrocities:

<b>"I need something with lots of cargo space."</b> This is another big lie. Thanks to poor design, SUVs have the same amount of cargo space as many sedans. And the high elevation makes it unsafe to use all of an SUVs cargo capacity. Did you know that Ford Explorers are not intended to carry more wieght than a Ford Taurus? That's because they are much more prone to rollover and killing people if they do.

<b>"I need something that's safe."</b> We already know this is a crock of shit; SUVs are less safe than cars. On a personal note, I hate how they obsure everyone else's view of the road. They make it harder for car drivers to see what might lie ahead in the road. My friend almost had a nasty accident when an SUV in front of us swerved out of our lane to reveal stopped traffic. We had to look and swerve very quickly; had the driver ahead been driving a car, we would have been able to see it coming.

<b>"I like being able to see the road."</b> So does everyone else. Sit on a damn cushion if you can't see.

<b>"I want to have 4-wheel drive."</b> If you want four-wheel drive, get a four-wheel drive car. They are that much safer than an SUV, and lots of companies make them - Subaru, Volkswagen, Audi, Volvo, Mercedes...the list goes on and on. These cars are light-years better than comparable sport-utes anyway.

I don't mind the unabashedly fake higher-slung cars; they don't pretend to be rough and tough, they tend to be lower to the ground, and they don't guzzle gas. They also tend to do better in crash tests. It's the truck-looking fakers and the real sport-utes that are the menace. If you do happen to drive an SUV, perhaps you were misinformed. Perhaps you didn't know you were driving a rolling deathtrap. Maybe you didn't notice the dent in your wallet, or the extra pollution. Or the lack of cargo room. Maybe you didn't realize you were psychologically overcompensating. Don't worry - you can always trade it in for a real car.
Oh, and if you have any doubts about the validity of my points, <a href="http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/features/2001/0212.mencimer.html">this</a> should put them to rest.

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