Inconvenient Truths

Recently, a friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend for...well, for reasons that just didn't make any sense on the surface.  Basically, she didn't trust him -- even though she had no reason not to trust him.  She also didn't feel like he was there for her -- even though, in my view, he was there for her much more than she was there for him, and he made a great deal of effort to tend to her needs.  I knew this girl (and liked her), and it struck me as odd that her perspective seemed grounded in non-reality.  I also saw my friend take a lot of time to show her that he cared.   It may have had something to do with a mutual 'friend' of theirs, who may have planted a seed of discord and implied that my friend was not to be trusted.  But you'd think some benefit of the doubt would be in order. 

Situations like this never ceased to puzzle me in the past, but ultimately I think it comes down to everyone's individual insecurities.  Sometimes, we insert those insecurities into our relationships for no apparent reason.  I know I've been guilty of that myself; I've reacted more strongly to things that aren't a very big deal to my friends. 

For instance, if I feel that someone isn't being reciprocal in our friendship, I will either call them out on it or pull back myself.  If they don't call me as much as I call them, I pull back so that we are equal.  Why?  Because I have a paranoia about "throwing myself" at someone who really isn't as interested in being as close to me as I want to be to them.  If a friend stops returning my calls, I stop calling them.  If I feel someone is not making an effort to plan things and invite me as much as I do...well, you get the idea. 

This is not a good thing, and I know it.  To combat my insecurity, I often talk to my friends, most of whom are amazing at playing 'devil's advocate.'  My ability to not overreact to a situation that pushes my buttons is very much due to their outside perspectives and advice.  All the friends who have their own categories on this site are among those I'm referring to, and many of my friends who aren't listed also have helped me ease through situations by helping me to deflect or ignore them rather than causing a minor confrontation. 

But I fear many of us aren't as fortunate as I am.  Many people don't get that perspective, or are unwilling or unable to process it.  Many of us are so wrapped up in the reality we create that we fail to see thr truth that stares us in the face.  It's too inconvenient to see those truths, because they don't fit in with our constructed perceptions of the world around us.  Have you ever read an e-mail or message board posting that really pissed you off, then composed and fired off a response right away -- only to have your antagonist point out that your response addressed an argument they weren't making? 

That's happened to me on this very site.  I'm usually a very analytical, careful reader...but you wouldn't know that from some of the debates where I totally miss a point within someone else's post.  Sometimes I catch myself responding to an argument the person never made, or getting offended at someone for saying something they never said (or completely ignoring something they did say).  I suppose it happens to all of us once in a while.

So why this rambling clusterfuck of a post?  Probably because there have been a number of examples of this in my life recently.  Many of my friends and I have been in situations where one person's version of events didn't match up with what happened - or one person's view of reality was out-of-synch with those around them.

And I've realized there's not much point in trying to fight it, or explain it.  It is what it is: a person's hang-ups manufacturing (or escalating) some kind of conflict where none should exist.  We all do it -- and we all should work harder to avoid it.  And if it gets too severe, we shouldn't be afraid to distance ourselves from the source.

(Wait a minute -- that might be my own insecurity talking again...)

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