UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE! (part 1)

TITLE: UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE! (part 1)
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
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PRIMARY CATEGORY: Sports
CATEGORY: Sports

DATE: 10/07/2003 02:02:58 PM
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BODY:
I can't believe I'm up typing this right now. (EDITOR'S NOTE: the entire write-up was typed at 2:00 this morning.)

I just spent most of the night and the wee hours of the morning watching two teams I really don't give a shit about, all because of fantasy football. I ended up catching one of the most amazing games ever played, and it was made even more amazing by the matchup between me and Andrew. Even non-sports fans might be able to appreciate this story. If they don't I don't care, because I'm posting the whole thing on the front page of my site.

This is the story:

This week, the top four fantasy teams in the league all faced off. Number 1 (?) played Number 2 (Noah). Noah lost, but just barely.

Number 3 (me) and Number 4 (Andrew) played each other as well. At the end of Sunday's games, I was winning our game by 12 points. We each had two players left: I had Indianapolis' Defense, and Andrew had the Tampa Bay Defense.

Normally, I'd be pretty comfortable sitting on a 12-point lead with only defenses left. But this was no ordinary defense I was up against. This was the insanely high-scoring Tamp Defense, the defense that breaks all the rules when it comes to scoring. Last year, my friend and former roomie Joe Yang won one of my leagues essentially because he had the defense I now had to play against. In fact, last year he won a game because Tampas defense scored two touchdowns. Would I be the latest victim?

Andrew didn't think so. He thought there was no way that Tampa could score 12 or more without my defense maintaining the lead. But I knew better. I told him, "I've seen Tamp Bay's defense do the impossible. I've seen them win fantasy games that seemed totally out of reach and unwinnable." He didn't believe.

He believes now. But who actually won our game? Before I tell that story, I must explain how fantasy defense is scored:

A blocked kick is worth 3 points. A sack is worth 1. A safety is worth 2. A turnover is worth 2. Defensive touchdown is worth 6 points, of course. Also, defgenses get point bonuses for holding the opposing offense to 20 points or less, and they lose points for allowing an opposing offense 20 or more points.

The real game ended up being one of the most amazing games in NFL history, making our tilt that much more dramatic. Here is how it went from our perspective:

The Bucs are already winning, 7-0. Tampa has the ball. They throw an interception. Two points for Jide! I have the Indianapolis Defense!!!

BUT WAIT...

On the return, Indianapolis' defensive player FUMBLES THE BALL. A Tampa wide receiver picks it up, and runs it back for a TOUCHDOWN. Oh, NO.

Even though a Tampa offensive player scored the points, that offensive player was playing defense as soon as Indy got the initial turnover. That means EIGHT POINTS for Andrew - two for the turnover, and 6 for the TD.

AAAAAAAAAARRRGH!!!!!!!!

It was one of the most absurd plays in NFL history. But since I was already winning by 12, I was still winning by 4. Andrew had a point bonus, and I obviously wasn't getting one now. Then Indy scored, reducing Andrew's point bonus. Phew! Thank goodness, I was afraid it was going to be a shutout. The real game score: 21-7, Tampa.

Indy scores again. YES! Less points for Andrew's defense.

But then the Bucs score. DAMN! Subtract points from Jide's defense, which just gave up 23 points (since the touchdown on the fumble return doesn't count against my defense).

At this point, my lead had shrunk to just 3 points. Real game score? 35-14. Most people call it a night; the people of Tampa, figuring they have the game won, start to leave the stadium.

I had called Andrew earlier (after the absurd turnover-turnover-touchdown play) to bitch about how I TOLD HIM that he wasn't out of the game. All he needed was a couple of turnovers, or two sacks and a turnover, and we would be tied.

Indianaplois gets the ball back. I cringe. Whenever you play the Tampa D, you always are afraid whenever the other team has the ball. You know Tampa is just a play away from scoring.

Indianapolis drops back to pass. SACK! My lead shrinks to two. All Andrew needs is one turnover, and we are basically tied.

Indy drops back to pass again. I irrationally start hoping they'd just stop playing offense the rest of the night.

INTERCEPTION!!!

I jump up and start screaming at the television.

"TACKLE HIM! TACKLE HIM BEFORE HE SCORES!!!"

The Colts ignore me. Tampa scores its SECOND DEFENSIVE TOUCHDOWN OF THE NIGHT. This was the second time in the evening I felt like I got punched in the stomach. Andrew just took a 4-point lead. Eve though I'd seen it happen to others, it doesn't make it much easier.

I started reaching for my phone to call Andrew even before Tampa runs the ball in for the score.

Andrew is giddy with shock, of course. He can't believe it. Of course, I start giving him the whole frustrated "I-told-you-it-wasn't-over" routine. The most amazing part of all of this was that Andrew's wife (and my best friend) Daina, was still awake and watching this happen. Right before I called, she had turned to Andrew and they had this exchange:

Daina: "Don't you have the Tampa D?"

Andrew: "Yeah."

Daina: "Then Jide must be freaking out right now."

(TO BE CONTINUED...)

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